Are you ‘safe’ in your relationship?
Over time, relationships change, expand, end as the people within them change and evolve. There is no real guarantee that a relationship won’t end. Labels do not even guarantee the security of a relationship forever–not girlfriend, husband, primary, boo. This fact can either cause anxiety and fear, anticipating the end and amp up our actions for closeness or avoidance OR you acknowledge the fact and chill the f* out.
Realize that safety in relationships is actually what YOU create in yourself.
Safety in knowing that ultimately you will be OK whatever the unfolding of a relationship.
It will unfold just as it should. And you will be fine if you believe that. It may hurt and it may be hard in its unfolding. It may activate you and it may leave you feeling uncertain…and you will be OK.
Safety in that you continue to consider and care for yourself no matter what stage or form of the relationship.
A label or verbal commitment to you does not mean that you can now stop taking care of yourself, stop being healthy, stop trying. Always take care of yourself and your health. You are important–let’s treat yourself like that.
Safety in that you consistently stand in your truth and know that you are creating the exact relationship that you desire (because anything/anyone other will exit themselves).
Not tuning in and vocalizing what’s internally going on can cause you to perpetually create a relationship that is not what you want. Not speaking your truth can perpetually cause you to not be able to be yourself in a relationship and as a result lose yourself. And then years down the line, we can’t keep this up and lose our shit. And our partner is left in confusion: ‘What the f* happened?’
Safety in that you are acknowledging you have needs, voicing these needs, and allowing interdependence.
We are social creatures who do not live in this world alone. We prize self-sufficiency and independence, and as a result we often end up shaming dependency. And then we wonder why we are so stressed out, burned out, and feeling alone. You have needs. You are human. Let your partner know you have these needs. It does not make you less valuable as a result. It actually gives permission to others to be human, too.
Safety in that whatever your partner’s (or partners’) actions or words, they have nothing to do with your value as a being.
You will hurt your partner…and your partner will hurt you. And it will be unknowing and unintentional because it comes from a contracted state that is a result of their unprocessed past trauma, distressing events, and/or attachment wounds from their relationship with their primary caregiver growing up. It is not you they are yelling at and saying hurtful things. It is a projection from their internal neuro-network being triggered. Right now you resemble components of the original experience, whether it’s a behavior, a verbal statement, a stance, a smell, a facial expression, a location. When we experience an overwhelming event, the hippocampus may shut down and some people may attempt to adapt by dividing their conscious attention, placing it only on non-traumatic elements of the environment at that time. This causes the data to come into out brain in pieces. Unfortunately, they get stuck that way, resulting in it bring brought up again anytime we experience similar pieces (triggers). Practice getting undefended. Practice seeing your partner as a little boy/girl who is afraid, alone, confused, hurt. Practice empathy and ‘becoming’ your partner in their contracted state. Show understanding instead of blame–because there will be a time that you need the same.
Tune inward, you’re safe.