Desire precedes trust
Desire precedes trust.
Which is why the beginning stages of love can be confusing.
We might fill our minds with fantasies “He’s the One!”
Or get lost in the aphrodisiac effect of sex “It’s so hot!”
Maybe we spend all our free time with them “I don’t want to be away from her!”
And tell all of our vulnerable stories soon in “It’s so deep!”
Sexual hormones fuels the power of our desire, while the information necessary for trust is still being gathered.
We can get swept up in the aphrodisiac effect lending to so much that we want.
This feeling, this person, this situation, this partnership
That when we receive information that does not fit with our values or our needs, we hit a dissonance.
The part of us that is seeking partnership, and the part of us recognizes this is not a fit.
“Shit, there’s so much that I like, but then there are these pieces that don’t fit. What should I do?”
Perhaps that’s the point you sit with yourself: What are my bottom lines, what are necessary?
Perhaps then that’s the point you sit with them: What can be changed + what can be negotiated?
A hard decision, for sure.
One that the only way through it is with communication.
Trust is a human experience that is both simultaneously given + earned at the same time.
You can’t gather the evidence that lends to the building of trust without creating the opportunity for it to happen.
This happens simultaneously.
We might believe the false idea that trust = certainty of an outcome.
It does not.
Because there is nothing in this world that can promise you certainty.
As we journey through our lifetimes, we gather more reference points about how they/we respond to the consequence of whatever happens.
These reference points then lead us to an understanding: This is someone I can trust.
The challenge here is to also recognize that trust is not a fixed image, but changes as we gather more + more information.
The world + the people in them are dynamic.
We might trust them at this point + time + then later after gathering more information decide we need to update that image.
Further, the lens through which we look at another’s actions may also be tainted by our past experiences of others projected onto this person.
Are the evidence that we are seeing here based in reality or the lens of our past pain?
I can’t give you certainty here, but what I can offer is practicing the thought of “I will be ok on the other side of whatever unfolds here.”
Because your adult self does have more resources than your child self to be able to navigate hard times.
You’ve survived thus far!
So even if we struggle with doubt in our decisions without the input of others, as you continue to lean into uncertainty, remind yourself that you are not the same person you were 5, 10, 25 years ago. You are more capable to survive—it may be uncomfortable + painful—and you will get through it.
That we can trust.