Shame is a part that exists in all of us with the perspective that who we are + what we do, or in this case, imagine, is fundamentally flawed or wrong. Shame is a protective part that believes that to protect you from the pain of rejection or the loss of connection from your closest relationships, community, family, or lover; you must hide these bad, wrong, + socially undesired parts of yourself.
Shame reacts in 1 of 4 ways to protect: we avoid our inner experiences, we avoid others, we attack or project onto others, or we shoot ourselves.
Our minds possess a repertoire of everything we’ve experienced in our lifetimes. Every image we’ve observed. Every trauma we’ve heard second hand + visualized in our imaginations. Every murder podcast we’ve subscribed to. It’s in there.
Have you ever had the experience of what we call an intrusive thought?
Have you noticed that your whole body can respond to that?
Maybe you shuddered? Or tensed? Compulsively checked your straightener was off?
Now, have you ever had an intrusive thought in which you felt turned on?
Did shame show up?
It’s easy to default to shame, but it’s preventing us from our most authentic sexual selves by not allowing our bodies + minds to process what is there.
Did you know that Our minds eroticize what we otherwise couldn’t handle? When we are turned on, the threshold of what we can tolerate of disgust reduces so that we hold it. As a result, erotic turn-on + fantasy can be potent tools for healing.
Suppose we allow shame to hide it from us/others, or we attack ourselves for the imagination of it. In that case, we might continue looping, meditating, + self-inhibiting our power, presence, + sexuality.
We don’t gain the full healing potential that lies in our sexuality.
Too bad.
Because it’s revitalizing.
Tomorrow, let’s detangle some of that resistance, shall we?
Dr. Cat Meyer, PsyD, LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex, trauma, and psychedelics in Beverly Hills, Los Angeles. She is also a ceremonialist, author, teacher of yoga, and international speaker dedicated to evolving the relationship surrounding sexuality and our bodies. Through her company, SexLoveYoga, she leads online workshops, sensual retreats, + ketamine-assisted retreats for couples. She is also the host of Sex Love Psychedelics podcast.