Ghosting

Clients ask me whether ceasing to continue a conversation that was started on Bumble after a few texts is wrong or is considered “ghosting”.

Truthfully, I don’t know.

Of course a clear “I’m not interested anymore” allows for each person to close the chapter + move onward to the next, and yet, have we made enough of a connection to need that? Or Does the die off of a conversation communicate enough?

Ghosting can be defined as the immature response to ending an interaction or connection by cutting off all communication or ceasing to respond without explanation.

In our culture of phones+ screens + swipe left for more options, we’ve made it easier for us to just go silent rather than communicate.

Why do we do it?

• We don’t want to witness the emotions of hurt knowing that it came from an action we did

• We struggle with setting clear + firm, yet, loving boundaries for ourselves

• We don’t have the skills of self-regulating when there is distress/conflict

• We don’t trust ourselves to not be influenced back, thus self-sacrificing what is true we need

• We aren’t connected to the emotions + needs that are alive in our bodies to be able to consciously work through them with another person, so we avoid all together

• To protect ourselves because the relationship is no longer safe

• Because the other person won’t take no for an answer or won’t honor our boundaries

Why does it hurt so much?

• It activates our deepest fears of abandonment

• We are left with confusion + the stories of our own minds to make sense

• It creates self-doubt in our own feelings or thoughts of how this was going

• It feeds the “I’m not enough” belief

• It activates childhood wounds of emotional neglect or dismissal

Now, let me emphasize that ghosting is not the same as blocking someone because their actions are inappropriate, stalking, not respecting the boundaries you’ve stated, or unsafe. When you take action to block someone on all accounts for reasons of safety--that’s just taking care of yourself.

What are your thoughts?

Have you had much interaction in the online/app dating world to put your perspective?

What about in connections outside of online dating or even dating in general?

Join the conversation + see what others have said here.