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When your body becomes wet, yet your mind isn’t into it; aka non-concordance

Non-concordance: When our mental experience does not match our body/genital response...

In other words: when we are mentally ready for our partner to enter into us, yet our vulva is not lubricating.

Or say: your body becomes wet, yet your mind isn’t into it.

There is no predictive relationship between how aroused you feel and how much your genitals respond; aka arousal non-concordance. For men there is more of a relationship - about 50% overlap between genital response and subjective arousal.

However, genital response is specific to sexually relevant stimuli--regardless of whether those stimuli are sexually appealing.

The genitals tell you--that’s sexually relevant

The person tells you--that turns me on, I’m enjoying this, I’m eager for more.

There are three levels of emotions:

  1. The involuntary physiological response: heart and blood pressure, etc, genital response.

  2. Involuntary expressive response to a feeling + body language: like vocal inflection, posture, facial expression--all cues we use to infer another person’s internal state.

  3. Subjective experience of a feeling. If someone asks you how you feel and you check in with yourself to find the answer

Lubrication does not mean ‘turn on’ and does not necessarily mean ‘enjoying’ as genital response is ‘expecting’ not necessarily enjoying or eagerness.

You genitals are telling you something, and you can trust them. They’re telling you that something is sexually relevant, based on their experience of conditioning. ‘This is a restaurant’ but that’s not the same as sexually appealing.

Trust your body.

The brain also has input on the enjoying interpretation. Tune inward and ask yourself if this is something that you like.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Non-concordance is not a problem. It does not cause sexual dysfunction, or that the dysfunction is causing the non-concordance

Context sensitivity causes both the low desire and the non-concordance.

Non-concordance is not the problem. Context hitting the brakes it the problem.

External circumstances and internal brain state is fundamental to most women’s sexual wellbeing: increasing sensitivity to context, rather than to genital response is what makes the difference.

What are ways we can tell arousal?

  1. Respiration and pulse increase with arousal and holding breath.

  2. Muscle tension, especially in abdomen, butt, thighs, wrist, calves, and feet. When the tension moves in waves throughout, your body bows and arches.

  3. Words, telling the person or sounds. More, yes, fuck

Reflections from the book "Come as You are"

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