A Step-by-Step Guide for a Perfect Night of Group Sex
BY DR. CAT MEYER
HAVE YOU EVER FANTASIZED about having more than one person in the bed with you? You’re not alone. Threesomes (or moresomes) are a fun fantasy that has become increasingly popular to bring to reality, thanks to the accessibility of phone apps and sex-positive talks in the media. While threesomes can be incredibly exciting to play out in our minds, they can also prove to be difficult to navigate if not taken with conscious consideration. But don’t you worry! I am here to provide you with a guide to help you create a positive threesome experience from flirt to finish.
PHASE 1: Going on the Unicorn Hunt
Finding a unicorn, a single male/female that may be open to participating, whom you both resonate with and is a willing participant, can be quite the challenge, but can also be a fun, playful experience to share with your partner. If you’re partnered already, talk about what type of threesome you two want to co-create together. Is there a desire for female-female-male, female-male-male, female-female-female, male- male-male or all-gender queer? This is your experience, and you have just as much right to input as your partner. Tune in and speak up for what you desire and don’t. Never allow anyone to pressure you into doing something that doesn’t feel good, even if it is your partner’s fantasy to do so.
If you’re living in the big city and don’t mind your identity being available to swipe on, try putting your cute couple photo on Tinder, Bumble, 3nder, Feeld, FetLife, Plenty of Fish or Poly Facebook groups. Look for individuals with the little unicorn emoji in their bio or just get bold and directly ask!
Should you want to try meeting someone in person, maybe at a bar, party, or social event, act casual, be confident, intro with something playful. In the past I’ve dropped hints about how amazing a kisser one of my girlfriends is and slyly asked what their experience of kissing a woman is. Every time has concluded to me making out with her and sometimes my partner, as well. You can also go with a more direct approach: “You are incredibly cool, and we are having such a great time with you. We’ve wanted to have a threesome for a while and think you’d really vibe with our play. You think you’d be open to that?” Ultimately don’t worry about asking the question. The person most likely will feel flattered even if they are not interested in engaging, and that’s OK.
Should you want to involve a friend from your circle, choose someone from your extended friend circle with whom you aren’t super close with, but is still of interest and trustworthy. Friendship threesomes can get sticky because you’ll see them again and again and there is often more of an emotional connection with them, creating the potential for hurt or jealousy to occur.
And if you’re not in a partnered situation, I suggest putting the unicorn emoji on your phone app profiles. Or even openly expressing to a couple, “I have such a crush on you two. If you were ever open to play together or enjoy a threesome, I’d be so open.”
PHASE 2: Setting the Stage
If you do not want the night to end in a drunken mess, puddle of tears, hurt feelings, silent treatment, or regret, then you’ll want to take the time to create space for a safe, fun and consensual experience. First, tune into yourself and your partner to see exactly what you are feeling and where you are at and give yourself permission to be exactly there. No need to rush an experience or shoot for a goal of penetration the first time. Maybe today, I am low energy and only desire to engage in fondling and making out. Maybe next time we want to take off clothes and genital play. Maybe we have oral or penetration, and maybe we never do. The point I’m trying to make is that threesomes can be in whatever form and involve whatever type of play you want it to. The ultimate time is one in which everyone feels good in the moment. There is also something so sexy and powerful about savoring the progression and anticipating more to come.
Before you break out the wine, be sure to get clear about where everyone stands in regard to expectations and boundaries. When we are sober, we are clearer about where we stand and what we are comfortable with. Having a conversation about penetration, oral sex, whether the third person is sleeping over afterward will help everyone be able to relax more easily into the moment, rather than guessing or holding back because it is uncertain. Let your sexy guest know that their needs, pleasures and feelings are important and that their voice is encouraged and welcomed in this space. Nothing feels worse than feeling that someone involved does not feel safe enough to speak up. It can impact everyone’s pleasure and feelings of safety in expression. You do have a right to exactly what you need in this situation.
Some topics to discuss prior to hitting the sheets:
Whether you are the invited guest or one of the members of a couple, your needs and opinions are important. You can also always change your mind at any time.
Acknowledge all STDs so everyone has consent as to whether they want to participate or take the action for protection.
You and your partner should decide before your sexy guest comes over whether or not they stay the night or leave after your play session. Cuddling can be an incredibly intimate experience and while some partners want to include the third party in this experience, others just want to bask in their own paired energy afterward or spend the time processing and reconnecting as a couple unit. As the third party, remind yourself that whether you are invited to stay the night, snuggle or not, has nothing to do with your value as a person and everything to do with the couple and their relationship. If you feel emotional, raw or open after the experience and you’re not invited to stay, I highly suggest calling a friend you do feel comfortable with processing or physically cuddling with to aid in the transition and grounding. Cuddles are medicine.
Have your supplies on hand already. Have a lot of condoms available, especially if you plan on penetrating two or more women or men, you don’t want to use the same condom as this is how we spread bacteria and potential infections across partners. Have organic lube available for added comfort and reduction of tares and rawness that can create greater potential for infections and pain. Have water or snacks available, especially if its going to be a long night...
Who is going to be the star of the show for this one? I love giving a star role to someone in the play scene because it gives everyone a beginning focus and changes the dynamic of the play each time you engage in a threesome. For instance, maybe this time, the sexy guest is the star, so sexual activities start directed at her. Or maybe it’s you and all oral, penetration, etc. is with you and everyone else plays supporting roles. Or maybe you decide that everyone gets a chance at being the star throughout the progression of the play. Let’s focus on the pleasure and/or orgasm of this person first and then shift — like a sexy version of musical pillows.
PHASE 3 It’s Show Time!
The initial conversation can be a difficult one to start, but what can be even more is the initiation of sexual activity. Sitting around drinking wine and sharing crazy stories is awesome .. but if you’re here for a threesome someone’s got to get it started. Maybe you had a conversation with your partner before about who initiates the play or who gets the initial touch and attention. Massage can be a fun way to bridge into relaxing and opening of the body through intimate touch. Caressing someone’s hair and face while gazing into their eyes and making a connection can be another powerful initiating act. Strip poker or other sexy games can be a playful way to get clothes off. Or maybe you want to put on some fun music and dance
around a bit, getting more and more physically affectionate in your dance as you progress.
Like any sexual experience, allow it to progress organically. If you’ve established a star in your play, then you have a point of focus to start with. Do you feel you want to take the lead here, or would you prefer to surrender the responsibility to another? Let it progress as feels good, and let funny mishaps happen. Threesomes rarely occur like they look in the movies, but this is what makes it so much fun. At the same time, make sure everyone feels included. If you notice someone appearing left out, reach over and engage them.
PHASE 4: Post-Play Production
The threesome could have been a fun and successful hit, yet, what occurs following the play can ruin the memory of the experience if not tended to. Sex is a powerful and vulnerable act in and of itself, and as a result can trigger thoughts and feelings about ourselves even after the fact. It is most helpful to create time and space to check in with your partner and the third afterwards. Talk about any feelings that may have come up, jealousy, what would have felt better, what you’d like to incorporate for the next time, what you need now in the moment. Make sure to check in with the third, as well. How are they feeling after the experience? Everyone’s opinions and feelings are valid and important.
Maybe you want to stay in touch with the third party for potential future play. Setting up a group text between the three of you can be a great way to keep the flirting fun going and ensure that everyone is involved moving forward. I’d highly recommend not having separate text threads with the third to reduce feelings of insecurity and fear.
Dr. Cat Meyer, PsyD, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist, sex therapist, yoga instructor, meditation guide and reiki practitioner dedicated to evolving the relationship we have surrounding sexuality.