Early sex-negative influences + experiences can be tangled up with our authentic desires. These generally unresolved parts of our psyche can resist, fear, judge or make efforts to inhibit or eliminate our natural desires.
It shows up as this inner conflict between freedom + preservation.
Over time, the stress from this conflict accumulates + rigidifies the body.
We become stiff, less expressive, and perhaps develop aches + pain.
We can identify the parts as they live in our bodies through emotions, sensations, images, thoughts, and memories.
These are trailheads that start down the path of discovering our inner landscape.
Speaking to the parts that show up as resistances:
What are we noticing?
What is that part of us saying?
What is this part afraid would happen to us if we express the desire?
In what ways is this part attempting to protect us from the consequences it fears?
Start with writing out the qualities you identify yourself with Nice guy, good girl, safe, “put-together,” independent, feminist, straight, modest, faithful, compassionate, loving, disorganized.
Now, take these + write out the opposite.
As you visualize yourself embodying these qualities, what do you notice in your body?
Contraction? Shame? Excitement? Memories?
When I’m helping a client explore their erotic map + k!nks, I show them that what turns them on can also lie on the other side of who they identify as.
The taboo of embodying a characteristic of yourself that is opposite of how you want the world to see you can turn us on.
We are naughty in our indulgence.
And it’s kinky.
If you’re a nice guy, imagine in fantasy that you’re sexually dominating and taking ownership of your sexuality + making others fulfill that for you.
Or, if you identify yourself as faithful, imagine a fantasy in which you have a secret lover that you sneak out with for passionate sex under the moonlight.
If you identify as modest + humble, imagine a fantasy where you wear and own the most scandalous outfit as you walk into a plush, candle-lit lounge. All eyes are on you.
Notice the reaction in your body. Notice if there is a mix of reactions. Again, we look for the trailheads of thought, emotion, sensation, image, or memory. With non-judgmental curiosity + patience, follow those trailheads.
What am I noticing?
What is that part of me saying?
What is this part afraid would happen to us if we express the desire?
In what ways is this part attempting to protect us from the consequences it fears?
Write out what comes up here. I call this mapping your inner landscape. You may even notice some threads that branch out, connecting + revealing stories you didn’t know existed.
Dr. Cat Meyer, PsyD, LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex, trauma, and psychedelics in Beverly Hills, Los Angeles. She is also a ceremonialist, author, teacher of yoga, and international speaker dedicated to evolving the relationship surrounding sexuality and our bodies. Through her company, SexLoveYoga, she leads online workshops, sensual retreats, + ketamine-assisted retreats for couples. She is also the host of Sex Love Psychedelics podcast.