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LOVE. Polarity through a Trauma-Informed Lens. (Part 4)

Updated: Mar 5, 2021

Oftentimes when people talk about polarity, they refer to the energetic poles of ‘masculine’ + ‘feminine’.

Not gender specific, but rather two ends of our personal spectrum of embodiment that then also pairs in relation to another (see previous post on the specifics).

When you + you partner(s) are in one of these manifestations while you are in the other, they compliment + create attraction, ease in the dance between you. When you both are fighting for the same role, we feel a discord + challenge in connection.

If you have a complaint that your partner is too “Masculine” or controlling or any of the characteristics described there, this may be their authentic expression OR it may ACTUALLY be them operating from an activated nervous system— Meaning she may be in fight/flight/freeze. This may be one of their survival strategies they’ve used all their lives to get by (see ep 80 of #EatPlaySex podcast for a deep dive).

Personally, action + competency are two of my hardwired auto-strategies for getting along in this world. I can get really buzzy + hyper in the body + start “doing a lot” if I’m out of my window of emotional tolerance. This can come across as “masculine” but it’s also my automatic go to when activated.

So, instead of blaming our partner that they are “too much” this or “not enough feminine” or whatever the fuck, perhaps instead we help them get in their body + regulate. 

A way more compassionate way to come back to polarity.

  • Our culture prizes this busy mind + achievement, so bringing them into a surrender may be the exact medicine they need. 

  • Some of the greatest tips you can take here: YOUR presence, YOUR slower breath, YOUR taking up space, YOUR direct assertiveness, holding eye gaze, holding them, synchronizing breath.

If you have a complaint that your partner is too “feminine” or flighty or indecisive, this may be true for them OR they may also be in a trauma response operating from strategies that they have used in the past in order to regulate self or survive.

  • Meet this with vulnerability + clear, direct asking for what you need. 

  • Reflect how you’re able to melt into them when they do x, y, z for you. 

  • Appreciation, trusting, encouraging their efforts towards creating purpose + individuality, allow for space + patience, avoid telling them they are wrong + instead be curious. 

Do NOT confuse masculine + feminine with the archetype of the “broken” feminine/masculine which manifests as the helpless, manipulative, shapeless, feminine + the aggressive, unemotional, hyper masculine. If you find that you have to fall into one of these in order to polarize with the other person, you may be creating an unhealthy trauma bond. 

Do NOT confuse masculine + feminine with gender stereotypes. This causes rigidity + makes it challenging to live in an authentic relationship. We are not fixed roles, we are dynamic humans who change over time + moment to moment. In healthy relationships we find balance in self-regulating + co-regulating. 

Do NOT expect your partner to just “get it”. Conversation + supportive dialogue is the most effective way to build chemistry + polarity. Otherwise we can create shame in the blame.

And so as I conclude these 4 posts, I hope you’ll start looking at chemistry + polarity differently.

  1. To empower you that you can create it, it isn’t just natural

  2. To see it from a more compassionate lens rather than a ‘something’s wrong with me or them’ lens

  3. To share this with your lover(s) + friends

Let’s change the dialogue.

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