The shadow side of FIRE HOT sexual chemistry = Craving lovers that aren’t healthy matches for us
We often don’t realize that we are attracted to both the positive + negative traits of our primary caregivers. Until we’ve done the work to resolve the missing experiences + wounds of our youth (and often still then) it’s almost inevitable that unresolved trauma/unmet needs will play out in romantic relationships. If we learn the skills to effectively communicate + support ourselves + our partner in the relationship, then we will be able to navigate how this shows up. If we allow it to flame up + run the relationship unconsciously, we may find ourselves entwined in a trauma bond.
Trauma Bonding is where two people conspire (consciously or not) to reenact the trauma they both had, have, or compliment.
Most early phases of relationships bring nervousness. “Do they want me?” But when we feel chaotic, destabilizing, obsessive love/sex-- we can become overwhelmed with butterflies + excitement. This craving will take you on a high--At first. Then reality sets in. The feeling of excitement that you interpreted as love could actually be anxiety + your nervous system activating due to perception of danger. ⚠️
Trauma bonding can happen on a wide spectrum. It can range from smaller attachment injuries from our childhood to co-dependent relationships + loss of self, or where one person has narcissistic tendencies/diagnosis + abuse.
👉🏼 Maybe we have similar pain stories.
👉🏼 Maybe we think we are the only ones to get it truly.
👉🏼 Maybe they fit the role of our missing lead character in our childhood wounding
👉🏼 Maybe we think we’ll resolve it this time through.
It doesn’t mean we can’t or shouldn’t be in a trauma bonding relationship, but being aware of this as a possibility can empower us to learn how to not enroll our partner into taking responsibility for our healing the wounds of our youth. It can also help us identify abusive/unhealthy dynamics sooner.
When the bond is one that borderlines abuse, it really can be difficult to recognize. We might get caught in the idea that the pain is just part of those relationships that act as a catalyst for massive growth or that “if we just love them enough/be patient enough, then they will heal + change.”
It can be hard for us to acknowledge that WE could ever be in an abusive relationship.
How to detect the signs of Trauma Bondings
Wound-based chemistry can show up as desperately seeking to be understood, validated, or needed by those who have indicated they do not care about us. ❤ Going to great lengths to help people who have previously been destructive to us does not empower us.
If you find yourself saying or thinking things like “He will change”, “She’s just in a lot of pain”, “He needs me”, “I can save them”, “I can’t live without them”... You may be forming an unhealthy bond with this person.
Start paying attention to when your nervous system is getting activated/triggered. Notice your behaviors to “preserve” the relationship or avoid conflict. Does it feel safe to ask for what you need? Or are you suppressing your needs to avoid the pain of rejection/abandonment? Do you/they allow space to discuss challenges in the relationship or are those avoided?
Catch your own 🚩 red flags 🚩 in your behavior and thoughts when you are connecting with a beloved.
Even if your intention comes from a pure place, obsessing over the other person’s healing is a sign that something isn’t in balance. Over-fixating on something outside of yourself will only create more pain than pleasure down the road.
If you’re constantly seeking thrilling relationships, you might really be seeking a person that will light up your inner wounds.
1. You’ve confused an activated nervous system (anxiety) with being in love
2. Because it may be a familiar state from childhood--stress + instability or chaos. (Our system is drawn towards what’s originally familiar)
A healthy, secure relationship can seem too boring initially, but don’t let that fool you…a calm regulated nervous system is more sustainable to your health + passion IS something you can cultivate.
Relationships bring up our deepest wounds. But if you’re on an emotional rollercoaster ride that never allows you to get your needs met, you will stay stuck in a vicious cycle + wear out your poor nervous system.
Ever feel hyper-vigilant in love?
Get stomach aches?
Anxiously anticipating their needs or interests to prevent conflict?
Minimizing or lying to loved ones to protect the image of your partner?
Not sustainable in the long run for anyone.
We burn out or burn up.
We want a relationship that we can be authentic in -- that will take less energy to ‘manage’ ourselves in order to preserve a relationship that isn’t a fit, + contribute to feeling nourished + refreshed rather than lost, exhausted, or sick.
The hard part is recognizing + getting out of the cycle of abuse/ trauma bonding, because it can feel SO GOOD + PASSIONATE but also cycle back into pain + manipulation + exhaustion again.
Be mindful of these traps that will cause you to get stuck in the cycle of trauma bonding/unhealthy fits:
🖤Leaving will trigger feelings of emptiness/loneliness.
🖤Leaving will trigger a loss of drama, + as a result, a loss of high energy/activity/attention.
🖤Leaving will trigger confusion in what direction to take next. And yet just like our emotions, This too will inevitably turn.
🖤Leaving may cause you to worry for THEIR health + safety -- careful if they start threatening to hurt themselves -- this can be a tactic to reestablish connection/attachment with you. They need professional help, not you.
🖤Soulmates or personal growth inspirations aren’t always meant to be partners.
🖤After leaving, you may feel an intense desire to inform the person who hurt you about your healing. Don’t do that. That only re-establishes connection/attachment.
🖤You may start identifying your ex’s patterns in podcasts/books/articles. Don’t send to them. Don’t try to teach/fix or do their healing process for them. Instead, do this work on + for yourself.
📣 You can break out of unhealthy relationships/trauma bonds, escape the entanglement you’ve created, AND form healthy relationships with a lot of passion + fire. (Good news, right?)
The more you develop sovereignty with yourself + your sexuality, the less likely you’ll “need” to be dependent upon another lover to bring/inspire the passion for you.
If you’re ready for CRAZY CHEMISTRY + PASSION in healthy love, you’ll have to get intentional about doing the work to cultivate it. Here are my tips for maintaining your sexy chemistry… without the drama.
🖤Develop a sense of self. Get to know what you as an individual love, believe, enjoy. Follow your individual passions, interests, curiosities + purpose.
🖤Get embodied. Pleasure exists here. So does your erotic energy to build. Practice.
🖤Learn to express your wants + needs. Lean into the risk + discomfort that your desires may not be agreed upon by them. This is natural because you’re 2 beings with differences. It can be negotiated. You don’t need to self-sacrifice.
🖤Recognize your strategies to protect, and practice authentic vulnerability: If you comply with everything they say in the relationship, then they can feel that + can’t trust it. You aren’t being true to yourself. It’s also exhausting.
Men try to be ‘nice guys’ to avoid being like ‘other men’. Denying our true feelings can make unconscious contracts that we have to show up a certain way. Suppression can lead to pressure building + leaking out in other ways.
🖤Ask yourself: ‘What would my relationship need from me in order for it to feel the way I need it to feel?’ --puts you in charge of what you invest into the relationship.
🖤Learn more about what turns you on + what turns them on in sex. Check out my online programs to help you get started.
Why do we feel so unsatisfied + avoidant of sex? Gain access to my pleasure vault full of free guides to help you come back to your sexual sovereignty + cultivate chemistry without the trauma bond.
Listen to Sex Love Psychedelics podcast, tune in to expert interviews to inspire their continued exploration into passionate sex + healthy chemistry.