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SEX. The Presence Piece

Updated: Mar 5, 2021

Have you ever been in the throws of sexual play only to start running through your to-do list in your head? Or start analyzing and judging what was going on? Or start thinking you looked fat at this angle or that your partner needed to trim their eyebrows?

I know. We get in our heads. But that doesn’t mean we have to stay here. Mindful sex can be an incredibly powerful and expansive experience for all parties involved. Why is that, and how can we create a more present activity?


So many women I have worked with tell me a similar statement, “I just don’t feel like he’s with me when we are making love so I just can’t get into it.” What might this mean? For our partner to be fully present allows the other to fully let go. When we feel the person is completely there with us in the moment, we know that they see exactly us and not some projected judgment or desire for someone/something else. We feel safe in exactly how we are showing up without any need to change. We do not have to cognitively think about what we could be doing wrong, if we look attractive, if they’d rather be with someone else, if they’d rather be doing something else. We feel seen and accepted. We can be free to flow and be wild, because it will be held by a strong container.


Deep breathing relaxes and opens our body to receive more sensation and awareness. When our body is tense or contracted, our sensory receptors close and the threshold of sensation is high, meaning it takes more stimulus to consciously detect a sensation. When breathing, exhale all the stagnant air out of the body. From the lowest part of your belly begin to fill. Feel your belly relax and balloon outward as it fills with breath. Expand into your rib cage for more expansion. Hold. Slowly exhale to draw back in the belly and the rib cage, releasing every last drop of breath. Repeat. Feel your body want to speed up the breath again. Feel the body and diaphragm want to contract against the active relaxing of the belly muscles. Notice feelings of loosing control by relaxing your belly. Feel into the gradual slowing and elongating rhythm of breathing and space in between each inhale and exhale.


Tune into what you see in front of you. Connect and hold through your eye gaze. Notice the curves of your partner’s body. Notice the texture, color, arousal of his skin. Breathe in the scent of her hair. Feel through your finger tips as they explore her body gently. Taste his lips. Immerse yourself in the intricacy of her body and just be in it with no destination or hurry.


To savor means to linger on a sensation longer. Stretch the experience. Build anticipation and excitement. Turn the ENTIRE body on. This also gives the message of self-control, honoring, and that you value the person in front of you. It also helps to build comfort with this person and contribute to helping relieve some of the sexual problems we may experience when anxiety for performance is present. Let go of time and pressure to perform. Enjoy.


Surrender your control and force to create a specific outcome and just be in pleasure. Let go of trying to make the ‘perfect’ experience happen. Allow and be present to the current moment and all it encompasses. Tune into emotions, contractions, triggers, fears as they arise. Feel them, relax your pelvic floor muscles, and melt into it all or melt into your partner to be held through it.


We each hold responsibility for our own pleasure and orgasm. When we can be present with our own self, we are able to identify what it is that we need to help us grow deeper into our experience of pleasure. Using our voice or the language of our sound and body to communicate these needs creates this experience. Our partner practicing presence is also then able to tune into whether this is something they are capable of providing for us or not, and then also has the responsibility to communicate.

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