Updated: Mar 5, 2021
“How long should I wait to have sex with him/her?”
“Am I devaluing myself if I have sex with him on the first date?”
It does not really matter.
It’s like when someone asks you how long you’ve been when your flame and you realize you’ve only been together for 1 month, yet the depths of this time together have been expansive. Or like those short term relationships that didn’t last, but were monumental in your personal evolution.
Time is not what we should be so hard focused on, but rather what do we create with that time that counts. In the time that we are given, I ask that we practice setting aside the goal-driven mentality and drop into a state of prolonging and anticipation.
I love to use the word Savor because it emphasizes this sense of extending and being fully immersed in the sensation of the experience. To savor is to enjoy something in its entirety.
To savor sex would be to tease out the progression and spend time in each department.
It’s making love to the space in between your lips and theirs.
It’s breathing her in.
It’s hovering the tips of your fingers to lightly brush the tops of the hairs on her arm.
It’s tasting the salt of his skin.
It’s kissing this time, fooling around the next, oral play 6 meetings later, or however long it is to build desire and anticipation.
It’s slowing down, tuning in, breathing, and relaxing into the process.
Being in the state of ‘need’, or sexual frustration, does not have to be unpleasant. Unpleasantness is a mental construct that creates your experience. Instead, think about creating a sense of enjoyment in that state of need or frustration. Postponing intercourse and focusing on drawing out the stage of arousal to the point in which you are both passionately craving the other person can powerfully change your sexual experience. Whether you decide to have sex the first time or wait 3 months, the process of prolonging can be applied to make the experience that much more juicy. Savor each time and learn to find pleasure amid the frustration.
And remember, the higher the arousal built, the more intense the release. Remember that when you’re warming her up.