Your partnership is perfect…except for the sex. I’ve been getting this statement so much from people who are afraid that they are with the wrong person because the sex isn’t FIRE like they’ve had before or dream about having one day.
First of all, just because your sex hasn’t inflamed YET doesn’t mean that it a) won’t b) can’t.
Sex is the alchemy of two people coming together, and ALL the past experiences, trauma, insecurities, expectations, family messages, past negative sexual experiences, body image issues, tension, stress, and fears along with the excitements.
We come to bed with armor on–which is actually both difficult to really move fluidly in as well as difficult to penetrate through to connect. You may have good sex while wearing the armor, but it isn’t helping you have phenomenal sex.
So what do we do about it? To penetrate through the armor, we must be so present. We must be present in our fingertips, feeling into the way our lover’s skin and breathe and body heat feel beneath us. We must tune into our senses, feel our rhythm into their’s. We must SLOW THE FUCK DOWN and NOT that hard, fast, make-em-cum-asap kind of sex. We must connect in the eyes. To be present allows our partner and ourselves to fully melt, because we know they are not in a fantasy world, they are not judging us, they are not thinking about another person, they are not thinking about the status of the relationship, or any other worry. They see us, for us, right here.
To remove your armor, we must realize what it is we are trying to protect ourselves from in the first place. Do you fear intimacy and closeness? Do you fear really letting go? Do you fear they’d rather be somewhere else with someone else? Do you fear you’re not good at sex? Do you fear your relationship is fragile? Do you fear STDs or pregnancy? Do you fear your past trauma? Do you fear the pain in sex? Do you fear they may see something in you that you yourself don’t like? We may be putting armor on unconsciously, but I guarantee you that you’ve experienced what it’s doing to you. Armor creates subtle (or not so subtle) tension in the body that reduces your sensitivity (when the body is tense, your sensory receptors close). Armor also reduces your ability to be in your own body, causing a disconnect and a capping on your pleasure potential. To be vulnerable and speak your fears, needs, desires will bring that armor down. For some of us we will need help from a therapist, healer, pelvic floor specialist, or even the support and presence of our partner in order to do that.
You see, sexual alchemy is not a blame game, nor is it a deal breaker if not fire...yet. You must first understand your part in how you are showing up. Get conscious and then take responsibility to do the work to make the shift.
Here’s to FIRE.
Check out my podcast Eat Play Sex in iTunes and Spotify for more juicy interviews and tips on pleasure, play, and nutrition.