The phenomenon of the ‘nice guy’ in dating. Very often the reality is that there are a lot of things going on in his mind that are natural curiosities, fantasies, desires that he does not allow himself to speak to. Thus appearing to the world as a nice guy. He is afraid of being perceived as a dick, predator, toxic masculine, or a creep should anyone discover his internal thoughts. So he hides that he really doesn’t think it’s fair she said or did that, or hides that he doesn’t want to date her but rather just hookup, or that he watches kinky porn at home.
Maybe he self-identifies as egalitarian + a feminist, while shaming himself for having fantasies + desires that are contradictory.
Not wanting to put harm or pain to any of his loved ones, and so he keeps it quiet + stuffs it down.
He doesn’t want to be the ‘bad guy’ because he knows what it was like when others were unkind to him. He has friends who are women + hears of their stories of struggles, not wanting to be the source of that himself. The slightest displeasure of the other, and he quickly adjusts to avoid being rejected.
He believes he can’t be loved + have these desires.
He is easy to shame.
So again he stuffs, and he builds resentment. When we do not allow ourselves to be ourselves, it builds up over time.
‘How dare you make me be something that I am not in order to be with you.’
And as a result we may label him as being fake, inauthentic, just like the rest of the male world.
But this wouldn’t be fair, nor would it be the truth.
He is a nice guy, one who like all the others is stuck between the conditioning of what it means to be a ‘man’, natural urges + desires, and the pressure to make sure he’s not like the other ‘toxic’ men that’s been brought forth in our culture more recently.
Let’s REALLY take a look at the difference between ‘bad’ and what’s actually natural + ok, so we can build more of a culture that celebrates rather than shames, making it safer for us to be ourselves rather than result to unhealthy patterns of behavior that manifest as ‘nice guy’ or perpetrator.
It’s ok to be a guy who likes sex, and we can vocalize this clearly.
It’s not ok to force, coerce, manipulate.
It’s ok to ask for a share in workload.
It’s ok to have + share + play out fantasies of dominance + non-PC storylines.
It’s not ok to do this without consent of participating parties.
It’s ok to have desires for others other than your partner.
It’s ok to feel angry, upset, scared, sad, unsure.
It’s ok. We are ok. But only if we create a culture in which we can talk about it, rather than these things leaking out around the edges manifesting in less than kind behaviors.
You want to hear more? Check out my episode 61 with Rob Kandell about getting over the fear of dating for men.