“I fear I will never find love.”
This is probably the number one fear/question I hear from men and women alike.
And while I’m not a psychic (well…) to be able to tell you how this circumstance will unfold, I can give you a download to consider.
We all enter into relationships with different needs, images, and intentions for union that have been formulated from our life experiences. As young children, the first understanding of what ‘relationship’ or ‘love’ was came from viewing our parent(s) or primary caregivers. This is imprinted in our neuro-circuitry creating a foundation from which we can categorize events moving forward. Moving forward we collect cultural messages, family pressures, experiences with friends, trauma, media, movies, religion, etc. that shape that original imprint into what we believe to be true in our own reality. Sometimes these beliefs can be helpful in that they help us be resilient through some of the stressors of life. Sometimes they can be unhelpful in that they influence our behaviors and self-sabotage.
GIVEN everything you’ve experienced in your life, it makes sense you believe what you believe; it makes sense you behave how you behave; it makes sense you feel the way you feel. You’re doing the best that you can with what you have…
And you can do better.
What’s your actual underlying intention of ‘relationship’?
Understanding that it’s valid that you feel what you feel, what would a relationship serve for you?
And before you answer this with a ‘I just want to share my life with someone,’ I want you to dig a little deeper here. Otherwise, you can just as easily fulfill the above goal with anyone, friend, family, random stranger, someone straight up from Match.com
How exactly would bringing in another person contribute to the exact needs and image of life that you want for yourself? The more real you can get with yourself the more clear a direction you can move towards.
I want someone to financially support me.
I want someone to be able to evolve with.
I want someone to travel with me.
I want someone to….
I want someone to pick me.
I don’t want to be alone.
Now look at your patterns of relationships/dating/non-existent dating. Are any of these people actually in alignment with this intention for you? If you find that you have to compromise yourself and this image of what you are wanting to create, maybe there’s another underlying intention/need you’re trying to fill. There is no shame in that, but rather there is power. Because when you know the underlying forces that are at play in the unfolding of your romantic life, you can better navigate it in the way you want/need it to.
Are you who you want to attract in to your life?
Maybe we’ve created a list of all the qualities that we want in a partner and have been working some manifestation magic to bring them in, but it just doesn’t seem to be working. Have you considered looking inward at those qualities? If you haven’t created a list, imagine in your mind what this person would be like. Now how many of these qualities do you embody yourself? If not many, then this is a good place to start.
If you’re wanting someone who is warmhearted and caring, first know what factors would suggest that a person has this quality. Second, how are you showing up in the world as warmhearted and caring yourself? People who are warmhearted and caring want to be around people who are warmhearted and caring! Why would they want to be with a partner or friend or community who is NOT warmhearted and caring?
I’m not suggesting you seek to perfect yourself; but I am suggesting you consider what it is you are asking of others and how you are applying the expectations to yourself.
Are you chasing or are you acting from your center?
Sometimes we enter into dating or relationships and what gets triggered in ourselves is this feeling that someone is going to leave us and behaviors to reach out and ensure connection again. Or we may feel that we are getting too close with another person, fear what this means (to you) and take actions to create distance again.
Simultaneously, we can engage in behaviors that are convenient for or in the interest of the other person, but it isn’t in our own highest excitement or good. I ask you, are you acting from a place of center and vocalizing what is also good or wanted by and for you, or are you reaching and compromising yourself and your authentic needs for the sake of the relationship or the comfort of the other person?
Do you need more verbal affirmation? Do you need comfort? Do you need someone to validate your experience? Do you need someone who meets you where you are at now? Do you need physical affection? Do you need a person to hold safe space to process with? ALL of these are ok to need and want. Allow yourself to be a human with human needs/wants and ask.
Are you listening to your body?
What may you be feeling in the body? Any soreness or pains? Any health issues, fatigue, or inflammation occurring? Your body is highly intelligent and is constantly giving us messages to tune into. Drop down into it, tune into the messages that are arising, and it will tell you what you need.
Have you forgotten to take care of your own self? Major indication that you may be creating a reality or a relationship that does not involve your highest good. Come back. Drop in.
Do you believe in soulmates?
We all have belief systems that can benefit us or cause us greater harm. Choose the beliefs that are most productive to you and your good, and allow the other stories you’ve created to fall away. The ‘soulmate’ concept can be a powerful belief, but only if you actively participate in it. Some people believe that there is ONE soulmate that is in perfect sync with you. Some people believe that there are many soulmates who align with parts of you and help you feel seen. Some people believe that our soulmate(s) are teachers who give us lessons in evolving ourselves. Sometimes these lessons come with ease and grace and sometimes they come more difficultly and with more work.
Whatever you believe, it may be most productive to see it as an active process in which you fully and consciously participate in.
Do you create the in-sync experience by expressing exactly what you want and need?
Do you consistently show up as your highest and most authentic self?
Or do you leave that in the hands of circumstance or the other to both mind read and fulfill.