I hear talk among friends and colleagues about their latest endeavors in dating and sex, all of whom are trying to figure out the “right” approach to keeping someone interested.
Contrary to the popular magazine covers, there are no secret ingredients that work across the board for everyone and every situation.
And why is this?
Because not everyone is supposed to be romantically or intimately connected and coupled with everyone else.
It’s got nothing to do with your value, my dear, but rather a lot to do with improper fit.
Now don’t let this be where you throw in the towel and curse your computer screen, because this knowing can actually set you free and create a mindset in which dating and sexing does not have to be so grueling and work-like.
IF I hold the internal belief that potential dates are for evaluating FITNESS rather than self-validation, then how we show up can be more authentic to ourselves. This way, we know sooner rather than later whether the person vibes with us or not. If we show up putting our own needs and interests aside for the sake of this potential relationship or sexual encounter, then we will find ourselves losing who we are and/or surprise ourselves and them when we hold underlying fear or resentment and it does not work out further down the line.
IF I hold the internal belief of evaluating for FITNESS, then I can relax into the moment and enjoy every stage of it’s unfolding. In dating this would be us fully being present to what is, rather than potential outcomes that don’t really exist. Are you having fun in this moment? Or is your mind taking you to fantasies of how your lives could be co-created as partners or married? Are you enjoying the process of the revelation of this person’s life and vulnerabilities? Or are you quick to want to reveal and know everything about the person as soon as possible? Do you need the certainty of where it’s going? Or are you ok with the feeling that you receive while exploring this connection? There isn’t a right or wrong…just a ponder.
IF I hold the internal belief of evaluating for FITNESS, then I do not feel the internal pressure to be at a certain point in it’s progression. We wouldn’t feel then need to have sex sooner to validate myself as beautiful. We wouldn’t feel the need to be labeled girlfriend/boyfriend/partner soon after for security in where we were. We wouldn’t need daily text messages to ensure our value is in place. The beauty and the security and the validation must be decided internally, because the external world holds no certainty for us. Still always ask for what you want and need for a relationship to continue to flourish AND watch that you don’t tie your value to whether those requests are reciprocated by the other.
IF I hold the internal belief of evaluating for FITNESS, then I won’t have worry about my sex performance and I can make it pleasurable for myself, as well. When we stop looking at sex as a sports game we need to score a winning goal in or a dancer performance that we must entertain someone else with, then we can better dip into what actually feels good for us and create it exactly as we want and need.
So in the end, there is no rule of thumb when it comes to keeping a person interested in relationships of sex or dating. Just be sure you are fully present, authentic, and actually enjoying the unfolding. Otherwise, it’s not going to be fun and you probably will not get what you’ve truly been seeking.
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