LOVE. Open Loops in Conversation

COMMUNICATION. Open loops—when we are left with questions still about a particular event, person, perspective. The output of energy that we are expending receives no input back, thus we may find our minds continuing to return back to the question again + again without clarity.

This can happen when we have a break-up but no closure or understanding why.

This can happen when our lover brings a situation to the table to talk about, and later we have more questions that arise for us.

This can happen when we move through an experience + are stuck wondering someone’s motive or if there is something that was unclear or unspoken.

Sometimes we attempt to gain closure + the other person does not have the depth of insight to be able to answer us.

Sometimes we unconsciously have a specific answer we want them to say, but because they aren’t giving us that, we can’t let it alone.

Sometimes we brush it off, as a way to protect ourselves from the truth of the answer—staying in ambiguity would be better than them giving us the answer we fear or rejection.

Sometimes we don’t pursue because it would not be healthy for us to continue to engage with that person. Sometimes we avoid because don’t want to cause conflict.

Sometimes we avoid because to punish them.

I will say, it is brave to approach these conversations. It creates intimacy + depth when we can invite + be open to better understanding of each other.

It can also allow our minds to put to rest + stop leaking so much energy from trying to connect the dots in our own minds.

Now.

Again it’s not always safe (abuse) + can further confusion (gaslighting).

Further, the WAY + TONE we approach these makes a difference.

Coming into the conversation with a leading question—a question asked that is actually the answer you want them to say—suggests to the other person you already have a ‘story’ that you just want them to confirm.

Or asking with a tone of suspicion, anger, squinting eyes, eye contact avoidance, blame—all will cause the person’s threat system to kick in.

Instead, invite an open dialogue, share + own what’s been coming up for you + invite them to share what you may be missing.

Especially during these times of quarantine, we are face-to-face with seeing where our systems are not solid or working. Instead of avoiding, we might as well take a look under the hood.